I guess at the end of the rope I wouldn’t have time to apologise

Our hands are slipping apart like each star slowly dying

And we like to watch it happen.

Give me your worries and I’ll put them on a pedestal to collect dust

If only you’d told me

I’d be better than I was.

But sounds out of your mouth are like bumps on the ground

The blind man on his knees,

desperate

needing

I try to help him but in his pride he shakes his hand to the sky

Showing me that we will never get far with one set of eyes.

Eventually weary hands show heavy calluses 

You’ve tried so hard

For so long

And that rope is so tight around your wrist it burns.

The bigger picture never accounts for your pain 

Condemning stares articulate the message of no words to compare

But I’m rushing to you, running, sprinting, spitting, coughing, bleeding

Feeling all these things to show you

I feel pain too.

I feel my legs giving in

I feel 5 years of smoking cigarettes

But there are lions behind me 

And if I stop, I’m dead.

I wish you knew this because it would be so much easier for you to run too

If you understood that you absolutely cannot stop

You never would. 

Rolling in reverse at every mockingbird’s call
I forget that I’m human.
But, stay,
Just for a moment longer
Memory takes more time than I have.
In between job, work, and school
They hear silence like a throb on their temples
Posed like a Hindu Goddess
Waiting for their prize or praise.
With requirements not met
The love we didn’t give
Becomes the hate we receive.
Tender spots on the arch of your back
Twisting and turning
Waiting for embrace
We all want what we never give.

I’d rather see you on your knees in fear
Than in prayer
We are so hung up on the apology
We seem to forget the recovery.
Let’s wait for the bones to be buried
So we can dig them back up.
Let’s calculate our percentage rates
Based on the New York Times
And try to ignore the sexual tension.
We’ve exchanged our dignity at the pawn shop
For a cubic zirconium ring we’re sure
That slut we want to fuck
Will think
is diamonds.
We are not unique.
We are used and repeated.

You want to tell me all these words

But they’re hidden

And I feel like a fucking idiot for looking

Your eyes say more than your mouth and I’m blind,

I get it,

We’re fucked.

But when we fuck

You won’t open your eyes

It doesn’t baffle me that you wouldn’t want to see this pure emotion

Standing on your knees with your tongue between my thighs

Who would want to see your pathetic eyes?

Your emotion seeping from your tightened asshole 

Waiting for someone to notice your apathy.

All in all pain feels good, but only when the blade against your skin is yours.

We walk too close together to see that there are tears in-between smiles

But pride is easy.

I’m sure the questions being asked are with the best intentions

But I’m giving myself to you

And leave nothing for my soul.

I feel myself above the talking

Watching myself eroding

I’m feeling too much.

Like a tarot deck I predict the outcome

And I leave the way I came.

I could never explain this,

Never write this down.

But I’ll attempt as I always do

Feeling nothing because I can’t do much else.

No matter what you say

The cards will be as they are.

I think you’re pathetic. 

I think you’re never going to be ready to be with someone

Because you’re fearful, you’re an addict, you say things you don’t mean

And things you do

That do

So much worse.

You try to let people in with a contract and a set of rules

This won’t work but I’ll try.

You dream of other lovers when I’m gone

And you see them in other bodies.

Below the face there’s a body that you mask

The fingertips resembling so much of what you’ve had

If only I knew your infidelity,

I’d not waste my time.

No, love

No, care

I’m making up for you in my mind, trying to find you

Trying to be comfortable with myself and my life

You’re a leech

You’re not my fate

But I’ll keep pushing

A new born

Unwanted.

We’ve lost faith in the Earth

Regained it in things we can only see

Bound by paper and sound and everything passing so quickly

Act now!

Buy now!

The Mayans said we’re dead, carpe diem!

I wish I could explain the wonder of waking up each morning and how I never forget its worth.

I can’t contemplate the audacity of this world and I revolve around my ignorance

Blood is only red when oxygen mixes in it.

We watch our lives in the eyes of disagreeing members of society

Always checking to see if this or that is the “right thing.”

Apologising for real encounters that ultimately

are the only real thing we’ll ever have.

Our illusions keep us away from the naked bodies near us

beneath those clothes

your curves

your thoughts

covered in a cultural fashion statement

Instead of wishing and staying quiet

find your haven!

I can’t touch my life,

I can only feel it.

It was 2010.

It was 2010 and my life was shit

I was too young to do anything about my life and where I was going

I was alone but so crowded and didn’t have a sense of morality

It was 2011 and it repeated again,

In a new town with all the same problems.

It was a repeat of the same day for a year.

It’s 2012 and everything I took for granted is never coming back.

Money isn’t plentiful but it puts food on my plate

Great people surround me while assholes fight for spotlight

Never lit

Bound by nothing with a slate cleaner than my past

and it seems as though it’s the first chance I have.

It’s always quick like this,

It was dry and now there’s rain

and I’m staying inside.

Plans for the day must work around the sky,

Wait for the sun,

Wait for much longer than expected,

give up.

All I know is how to keep warm

I don’t know the temperature outside.

But still I appreciate the sounds 

Waking up to the drops

Alone but you keep me company.

What a time to wake up empty.

I don’t find it funny that you’re more destructive than I.

I’m not amused by your turning of the page,

closing the book,

walking away.

I’m not smiling at any of this.

But the detrimental will eat themselves to dust.

Purposely saying what will make others run away

You know everyone’s buttons.

But you hope, deep down,

someday someone will stick around to put up with your bullshit

Your hatred

Your fears

Someone will come along.

They will stay with you through it all, no matter what.

And they won’t be the person you want.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when you tell me

You’re waiting to pick up some Vicodin for your grandfather’s “death anniversary”

And you’re not going to have a good day.

Please tell me what to think?

But no, 

this is a fucking maze,

You want me to ask question after question

These pathetic fucking inquiries

To somehow show that I care.

Well you know,

we’re not seven years old anymore. I refuse to play these games. 

What is a “death anniversary” anyway?

The only anniversary of passing I remember is my grandmother’s

And that’s because she died three days before my birthday.

Do you think I celebrate it? Hell fucking no.

Why would I focus on all the sadness in life?

When my grandmother gave me smiles and sewed me sweaters?

I don’t have a single thought about my grandmother on August 17.

I refuse to let death embark upon my happy memories

Turning them to ash.

If I could ask you to stop being pathetic,

I would.

Push me and pull me.

Tug me and tear me.

MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL

Because in the light of dawn I awake to a blurry vision of what I’d like my life to be like

Dripping dew upon the grass to remind ants to watch their step

Walk lightly.

Feel me with you

Across the room, without looking at you, writing a story I hope one day to read 

I hope to show to you that we are pushing back the bad days 

Where we have to be who we are 

and we have to tell the truth to more than just our bed sheets.

Waking up alone or waking up with someone,

it’s the same in the first wake of day

When you stretch your arms 

You’re either there or not. No in-between.

And either way I’ll get up and the world will be as it was

I’ll be the same that I was.

The storm we call home 

will wreck our lives into a mold.

butterfly wings don’t make a breeze, but

The coffee’s off, this cigarette is boring, I’ve heard this song a million times

I’ve always been told sharing is caring.

I’d share my life with you, 

whatever you wanted out of it,

free of charge or judgement.

But first you have to talk to me,

ask me,

feel interested.

Coy fish still flee at your inquiry 

I wonder if that’s irony.

I would express to you my feelings but they are a road of tongue twisters and brail

I would explain to you my doubts, but buried deep with no shovel, 

they wait in the depths of my heart.

Explanations deemed important run and hide from exposure,

xeroderma pigmentosum

I hide with the covers of my bed 

Until all that’s left is carbon dioxide

and I’m choking

But at least I’m safe.

If death weren’t protective it wouldn’t take what we wanted so quickly

Out of jealousy

Because you see, this world is a tug of war

a 

push

and

pull,

In each direction for your own reasons

Never bothering to stop and ask why.

We don’t make eye contact, pull, then relax,

repeat.

The race for things all the same.

Happiness. Contentedness.

No need for antidepressants with your meal

Just taste all the different colours.

We’re running out of time,

in between our jobs and smiles and excuses of a shower when you’re really going to take a shit

There’s no more time left for us to be ourselves

Time’s ticking overbears all.